Obviously the subject everyone is discussing today is former PM Nastase’s suicide attempt Wednesday night. There are about 10 guys building a house right next door to my apartment and every day I get “treated” to their gossip and this is certainly what they’ve been talking about all morning.

The story seemed to make sense late Wednesday into Thursday – a man who was formerly Prime Minister, who ran for president, who had been a lawyer and a judge and a professor, was brought low by a conviction in a corruption trial and was about to be hauled off to jail. His dignity and pride wouldn’t allow such a blow and so in desperation he tried to take his own life, being stopped only by the brave action of a police officer who wrestled with him for the gun.

The problem I’m having is that that the official story makes no sense. ProTV managed to get a copy of the pre-surgery report from the doctors at the hospital, which you can see here:

They then created a graphic image of the bullet’s alleged path that you can see here:

Except that they later published this graphic, which is clearly different:

According to the official reports, Nastase was transported to a local clinic (actually a hospital that specializes in plastic surgery, not emergency medicine) around midnight and then operated on him ten hours later and yet this was a “serious” wound and he was “lucky to escape with his life”.

Ioan Rus, the Interior Minister, said he had spoken to Nastase earlier in the night, asking him whether he was going to turn himself in at the prison in Rahova or if he wanted a police van to come pick him up at his residence. His alleged reply was “I’m never leaving this house,” implying suicide, and that Rus at this point sent over an ambulance “just in case” something happened when the police officers arrived to escort him.

Obviously something did happen and the police called in the ambulance, which was backed into the garage of his luxury house. Several images (as well as video) were taken of Nastase being loaded into the ambulance as well as later being wheeled into the plastic surgery clinic. In all the photos he is clearly shown wearing a $400 Burberry scarf tied around his neck and is dressed in a light blue dress shirt.

If this man was shot in the shoulder at close range by round from a .38 revolver, why is he dressed in a button up shirt and wearing a luxury scarf around his neck? According to a doctor from the plastic surgery clinic, the family dressed Nastase before he left as a way of “protecting him” (his dignity), knowing that there were dozens of cameras outside but that underneath there were “lots of bandages”.

Meanwhile the doctor from the hospital who has been giving these statements to the press is Ioan Lascar, an honorary counselor of the Ponta government, meaning he is a PSD party loyalist.

Via CANCAN, the gossip newspaper, here is a photo of Nastase’s right shoulder:

Do you see the outline of any bandages on his shoulder? Because I sure don’t.

Therefore we’re expected to believe (according to the official reports):

1. Nastase was despondent and suicidal, taking the time both to write a goodbye letter to his family as well as tell Ioan Rus he was “never leaving” his house.
2. With his family inside the house, Nastase meets and speaks to the arresting police officers and then suddenly dashes in his office for a .38 revolver and puts it against the side of his head.
3. One police officer wrestles with Nastase for the gun and it is fired at close range to the top part of Nastase’s shoulder, exiting out of the side of his neck.
4. An ambulance crew that was on stand by dashes into the residence to render medical aid.
5. The ambulance crew either A) fails to remove Nastase’s shirt to apply bandages or B) allows his family to dress him a business shirt that requires a lot of moving of the arm and shoulder despite a gunshot wound inflicted at close range AND take the time to elegantly tie a luxury scarf around his neck.
6. Despite the “seriousness” of the wounds, Nastase is taken to a clinic that specializes in plastic surgery (not emergency medicine) and is not operated on until over 10 hours later.

Now Nastase officially has a 14-day reprieve while he recuperates and his lawyers are busy filing the paperwork to essentially give him what we call “house arrest” in America, meaning he won’t have to go to jail despite his conviction.

If you want to play along at home and pretend you’re a former Romanian Prime Minister, now you can!

Just using your finger, try to “shoot yourself” in the shoulder from that position and angle in the picture. Frankly it’s almost impossible. The only way to do it would be to use your opposite arm and cross it over your chest. Unless you’re an Olympic gymnast I don’t see how you could use your right hand and hold a gun and shoot yourself in the right shoulder from that position.

Then after you “shoot” yourself in the arm, allow some paramedics to bandage up your shoulder and then take the time to put on a constricting business shirt. See if you can do it without being in terrible pain. Be sure to use very thin bandages so that they cannot be seen underneath the fabric of your shirt.

Then go get your favorite Burberry scarf (that you bought with the money you stole from the Romanian people) out of the drawer and tie it in an elegant knot around your gaping neck wound. Be sure to keep the scarf around your neck during the entire trip to the hospital and don’t let the medics check you for possible bleeding.

Once you check yourself into your favorite plastic surgery clinic (run by loyal members of your party), relax in bed and get a good night’s sleep and then have your surgery in the morning after everyone has had a nice leisurely breakfast.

Meanwhile get your friends to appear on television so they can blame your injuries on your political enemy and then send your son out to hold a press conference to read aloud your “suicide letter” so that as many people as possible feel sorry for you and then you won’t have to go to jail with disgusting regular people.

Yay, you did it! You staged the whole thing and now you don’t have to pay for your crimes. Give yourself a pat on the back because YOU ARE A WINNER!