WORD COUNT: 1231

Well folks, I’ve tried to hide it, minimize it, and evade all general questions on the subject. Unfortunately for me though, a few savvy readers of this site pierced through my veil of mystery and have now outed me. Therefore, I openly confess:

I am a filthy R— lover

Yep, the only thing worse than a dirty R—-n is a R—- lover. I admit it. I’ve been writing about those sick evil freaks that I love so much for more than five years. I’ve prostrated myself in front of my evil master, Vladimir Putin, the president of those g–d—d R—-s and source of all mystery and suffering in this world.

True Fact: Russian scientists recently invented a time machine. The first thing Putin did was use it to go back and kill Jesus.

I’ve talked to my psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, home healthcare nurse, and drug dealer about how I became so depraved and degraded to stop loving the one true amazing awesome nation of America and fall in with the lowly ranks of perverted R—- lovers, and so far their responses were, “Tell me about your childhood, tell me about why your house is so dirty, tell me about your dreams, stop pestering me, and dude, I can’t front you anymore.” But so far no real answers.

If you put me in a stiff-backed wooden chair with a spotlight in my face, I’d admit to you many more sordid superstitions that I believe in. I know it’s wrong, but I believe white people should be allowed to visit R—-. I also think it’s ok for people to learn the mud people’s language, otherwise known as R—-n. I’ve even gone so low as to recommend some R—- literature and poetry to my friends. I’ve been known to tap my toe to the lascivious beats of R—-n music. Yes, all this and even more things too hideous to reveal.

When I leave the house, the neighbors jeer at me and call me a Putinbot. That stings doubly. First, it burns my ears to hear infidels denigrating my lord and master, whom I love more than my wife or cats. Secondly, a Putinbot is technically someone getting paid to love the dark lord, while I foolishly have never received a cent from Moscow. Yes, my head is perpetually hung in shame because I know I write my paeans of love for our tiger-riding savior for free. I warned you my sickness has no bounds!

True Fact: For every baby Putin kisses on TV, he punches an orphan behind closed doors

How it got started, I don’t know, this sick R—- loving disease I have. Maybe it began when I realized that “evil” just means “someone who disagrees with the United States”. That’s America’s gift, you see, to rebrand basic words and concepts and make them shinier and better than ever.

The Mighty Wurlitzer of America doesn’t care what evil actually means, or where it’s actually going on – what counts is that it makes for an awesome brand. Genocidal dictators are evil to you and I, but even the sickest autocratic jihadi loving king gets a pass as long as he’s on the list of “good guys”. All your sins are forgiven in that instance, but the drums start up the moment you get your name on the list of “bad guys”.

I don’t actually love R—- or R—-s, of course. Mostly it just makes me laugh that someone else is getting their point across, that someone else has something to say, and that the idea of all nations allied together in perfect harmony is something to aspire to. Because that’s the implication, of course – if every nation’s government is “pro-Western” and “pro-business” and “pro-global banks” then you’re basically talking One World Government.

Of course there’s no doubt that Russia, or let’s be honest, the government of Russia, has done some evil things. Sure, of course! What nation hasn’t? But once you start tossing around the “evil” word, you’ve got to stack up some truly significant facts or else it sounds like a cheap taunt. Because I could write an article proving that Norway is an evil country following the same methodology. So either “evil” has some kind of tangibility to it, or else it’s obviously a marketing slogan used by America and its allies.

Mostly I just love R—- because it’s the fly in the ointment, the wrench in the cogs, the troublemaker. I’d root for a green frog if he could get the same results. And Vladimir Putin, most of all, is actually smart. Mind you, I’m not saying he’d be a shining star on a stage with a panel of Harvard professors, but compared to most world leaders, Putin is a genius.

True Fact: Vladimir Putin can walk and chew gum at the same time

We often project a certain aura on politicians in power simply because the logic goes “if they’re at the top, they must be competent”. They’ve certainly bested their political rivals at home, but that’s like saying my cat can beat up a rabbit. All true but it doesn’t mean my cat is ready to wrestle a bear. Few politicians can string together a coherent sentence, and many are fetishistically focused on hedonistic pleasures or other non-intellectual past times like “clearing brush”. Most politicians speak for 30 minutes or less at a stretch, while Putin can go on for nine hours and still be cracking jokes while weaving in historical references.

And, last but not least, Putin is genuinely funny. Doesn’t make him a good guy, or even someone I’d say is a friend, but he is pretty hilarious. Plenty of westerners know this, which is why they go to such great odds to make fun of Putin, as well as explicitly label him as “not funny”. But close the chattering of your monkey mind some time and read through the flawless English translations of Putin’s speeches, comments, and “town hall” meetings (posted on the official Kremlin website) and pretend like he’s on stage with a microphone, busting out one liners.

Some jokes bomb, of course, but most are unbelievably sharp, and if you get a chance to watch the accompanying video, you’ll see the audience crack up. That’s another dirty secret, about the Russians, is that they’re the only other group of people (English-speakers being the first) who are genuinely funny as a culture. I’ve heard Romanian “comedians” and Spanish and Italian ones too, and yeah, they make you smile a bit, but there are hundreds of hilarious Russian comics. Putin isn’t the only jokester around, which is why he’s on his A game, as he has plenty of competitors out there.

So yeah, a smart guy who tells jokes and occasionally fucks up plans to implement American strategic global dominance is someone I like having around. Doesn’t mean I condone his horrific anti-LGBT policies. Doesn’t mean I think flattening Grozny was a humane thing to do. Doesn’t mean that I want to be R—-n, or live in R—-, or anything like that. It just means that the world is more complicated than black and white, west and east, good and evil.

And if that makes me a low-down, filthy piece of R—- loving scum, then so be it :)