Although he normally toils away in obscurity, speaking only to his minions and the foreign governments that prop up his regime, Vladimir Plahotnyuk took the opportunity last week to speak to the press.
The reason? Well, 2018 is a mandatory election year for parliament. Although people have been protesting (especially in the winter of 2016/17) for early elections, Plahotnyuk and his allies have (wisely) deferred them, knowing full well that they are hated by most of the people in Moldova.
Technically, Plahotnyuk is a “politician,” the president of the Democratic Party of Moldova (PDM), and so he broke his silence in order to give an interview to a newspaper that he owns.
You can read the interview in English here or in Romanian aici. Frankly, however, Plahotnyuk has Rich White Man’s Disease, which means that he’s in love with his own voice, and so the interview is far too long.
As far as I can tell, the interview was conducted in Romanian. There are some rather egregious grammar/spelling errors, but that’s pretty normal around here. Also, oddly, there’s no Russian-language version. Make of that what you will.
Because the interview is too frigging long, I’ve decided to condense it.
Hey, you’re wanted in Russia on charges of attempted murder. That’s just blackmail, right?
Yep, you’re right! I mean, it’s so obvious that it’s all bullshit. Evil Russian forces don’t want Moldova to investigate the Laundromat case, so they’ve pinned a fake murder charge against me.
Jeez, how many times has Russia filed charges against you via Interpol?
Woah, too many to count, yo. It’s just nuts. But Interpol saw right through them.
They, and the good people of Moldova, all know I’m an honest guy.
Uh, some people say your personal beef with Russia is making big problems Russian-Moldovan relations. What do you say?
Anyone who says that is working for fake news! In fact, all those reports about me asking for help from my powerful Russian friends are lies.
Yes, I have tons of rich and powerful friends in Russia, but I definitely didn’t ask them for help.
Putin hates me because I want Moldova to join the EU. That’s the only reason. By the way, a TON of people in Moldova that you’d never suspect are secret Russian agents.
Uh, in 2014, it was [Moldovan politican] Renato Usatii who filed the criminal case against you in Russia. What do you think about that?
Me? I never pay attention to the press. It’s all lies. For instance, people used to say Renato was secretly working for me! Pretty hilarious, amirite?
Hey, [your arch-enemy] Veaceslav Platon filed some criminal complaints against you in Romania. What’s up with that?
Again, it’s all fake news. I even got a call from someone in the Romanian government who said there were no open cases against me. Platon is just nuts!
But guess what? I have secret information that some Russian agents have been meeting with Usatii in order to file a criminal case against me in Romania. Luckily, the Romanians are too smart to be fooled by Russian spies!
Since we’re talking about Usatii, what’s up with Balti [the city in Moldova where Usatii is the mayor]? Usatii has said you’re conspiring to get rid of his allies in the city government.
It’s not my fault that he’s surrounded himself with idiots and criminals. Did you know, for instance, that the city of Balti couldn’t clean up its garbage? Yep. They had to ask the national government for assistance. Whew, what a bunch of losers!
But even though I know they’re all idiots and losers, I had nothing to do with getting people fired. That’s just a coincidence.
Back to Russia. Did you hear the Russian parliament is angry about you illegally pushing through a crazy law to ban all Russian news in Moldova?
I hope they are mad because they lie more than anyone! In fact, 99% of Russian news is just lies about Moldova.
I wish the Russian parliament would talk about this instead of my awesome new law that protects Moldovans from fake news.
Do you think Russia will interfere in Moldova’s elections this year?
Of course! All of my political opponents are Kremlin stooges. They have to ask Moscow for permission to wipe their noses. In fact, the leaders of those parties are all secret Russian spies.
Don’t worry, though. I will protect the people of Moldova against evil Russia.
Let’s talk about Moldova. What’s the deal with the new ministers you put into office? Are you going to promise to let them finish out their terms?
Nope. Everyone has to do what I say, or they could lose their job in an instant. That’ll keep ’em on their toes!
But some journalists said that some of the new ministers aren’t very competent.
Uh, remember the 2015-2016 Ciolos government of Romania? They had some incompetent people too, so get off my back.
Anyway, so what if the new ministers I picked have business connections to me? That’s not a crime.
This is an election year. Who is your main opponent this year?
We have no opponents. We are beyond politics. We exist in the cloud, only coming down to earth to protect the little people. The only time we need to discuss politics is if our enemies spread fake news.
Some members of your party said they won’t join the ruling coalition if the Socialists win. What will you do if you lose the elections?
Uh, we’re pro-Europe all the way, and so we’ll definitely win. And if the Socialists win, it’s only because of Russian hacking and interference.
In a previous interview, you said you might [permanently] suspend President Dodon. I mean, you already suspended him a bunch of times on a temporary basis. Will you do it?
I’d LOVE to. But if I do that, he’ll win the public referendum. And then people will blame me for everything, as usual.
[Your son-in-law and fake opposition leader] Andrian Candu recently said that you intervened to get those four new agreements with Tiraspol signed last year. Is it true?
I’d like to say more, but I cannot. It is enough to say that, even though I made this happen, I’m not going to take credit for it.
Hey, Moldova decided to join the EU in 2009. It’s now 2018, and barely anything is going on. Do you think it’d be easier for Moldova to join the EU if Moldova was annexed by Romania?
Unfortunately, even though I love the EU, and I think it’s a land of rainbows and unicorns, some of my political enemies hate the EU. Why? Well, you know why. They’re just bad people. But Moldova’s future is in the EU, most definitely.
What’s your comment about how the Moldovan government is doing in battling corruption?
Oh, my, what a wonderful question. Under my leadership, the government has investigated and convicted lots of my enemies. In fact, in the future, we’re going to help them even more by providing secret wiretaps and other information.
When my enemies get locked up on corruption charges, it’s a win-win situation! I get more powerful, and the EU, Romania, and USA love me more.
Have you read the long-awaited follow-up report by the Kroll corporation? Is Ilan Shor the only guilty one?
Come on now, you know I don’t like to read.
But since the new Kroll report might shine an unfavorable light on some of my allies, I’m happy to keep delaying the publication of the report for as long as possible.
If you somehow win in the 2018 elections, will you become Prime Minister?
My goodness, no. I’m far too hated for that to happen. But don’t worry. I’ll always be secretly orchestrating things from behind the scenes.
What’s up with your brand-new party headquarters? Isn’t it a bit too large and swanky?
Nonsense! What’s the point of laundering millions of dollars if you can’t spend some of it on a glitzy new HQ? Besides, it impresses all the dumb yokels who have joined my entourage.
Does this mean you’re no longer working with GBC?
Huh, good question! No, I am officially retired from business now. Sometimes, I miss stealing money the old-fashioned way.
Now that you mention it, though, it is kinda weird that the new party HQ is in the GBC building. What a strange coincidence.
But hey, people kept protesting in front of our old headquarters. Now, we’ll be able to do our work of secretly controlling the country in peace and quiet.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!