How Many Licks?


Every once in a while you just have one of those WTF, punched in the gut, mind reeling, absolutely no kind of logical explanation moments where a jagged hole gets torn open in your personal concept of reality and you’re left to stagger down the street and pretend that you can even begin to guess what’s going on.

It happened for me the other day when I was walking in town on an ordinary errand and I saw an elderly woman, the kind that’s maybe in her late 60’s or early 70’s, gray hair pulled back in a bun, enormous titties sagging and swaying under her thin cotton shirt, as she hefted a trash can out to the street for pick-up.

And she was wearing that shirt, the one you recognized instantly although you had to spend a fair amount of time later on Ebay to even find something similar on a website dedicated to recycling old crap adorned with corporate slogans, a faded, worn out tan and khaki T-shirt from an ad campaign for an American sweet that ended thirty fucking years ago.

Just trying to compute how a T-shirt from that era, from a time when the Cold War was in full swing, managed not only to cross an entire ocean but survive for several decades and still remain intact, only to become some pint-size Romanian grandma’s lounging around the house T-shirt, the one she felt comfortable wearing while she put the trash out by the curb, would require such tedious and precise calculations that it’s doubtful even an entire bank of NSA spy computers could figure it out.

And so, all you’re left with is a raw spot from all the head scratching you’ve been doing because really there IS no final and true answer. All you can do is guess.

And my best guess at the moment is that the creator of the galaxy and the heavens personally reached down from Celestial HQ and opened up a time portal so that an ancient T-shirt bearing a logo for a candy I never even liked all that much could be sent through and put into position to be worn by a woman on a lovely Saturday afternoon and be seen by the one person in town who could and would instantaneously recognize it and to have the shock of seeing it completely derail any and absolutely all the previous train of thoughts in his tiny little head.

But like I said, that’s just a guess.

2 thoughts on “How Many Licks?

  1. I truly enjoyed this piece Sam, thanks a lot…it made me laugh! I can imagine the expression on your face…and you know what they say, reality is stranger than fiction…one of my favorite sayings that is. Looking forward to more of the same! Cheers!


  2. Thirty years is impressive. I am left with the impression that Eastern Europe is kind of like that…just catching up with the rest of the industrial world so to speak. Then I meet some of the younger generation Eastern Europeans (youngsters from Romania) and am surprised at how modern they are. An interesting mix of things. I’ve always been a sweet tart fan myself.


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