Criminal Minds – Bloodline

I have to sincerely apologize for saying one bad thing about the X-Files the other day because even that crappy episode is a masterpiece compared to the steaming pile of dung that is Criminal Minds.

A reader tipped me off to an episode of this show, called Bloodline and I thank them for bringing this to my attention. First broadcast in the United States on January 21, 2009 this entire episode is one long racist smear against both Romanians as well as gypsies (or “Romany” people as they’re called in the show).

First though, I can see why I stopped watching television. Even setting aside the idiotic racist plot about Romanians, this show is fucking terrible. I’ve never seen it before but it seems like it’s a very cheap knockoff of the “X-Files” in the sense that the lead actors work for the FBI and they go around profiling bizarre criminals. Hmm, I wonder if all these shows that glamorize the FBI is why President Basescu loves them so goddamn much.

On the X-Files, the FBI agents all look and act like FBI agents (minus the paranormal stuff). They wear cheap suits and fly commercial airliners and rent boring, ordinary cars just like the real FBI do. They also have to wait days and weeks for lab results. On Criminal Minds however they’re all flashed out in expensive clothes, fly some kind of private luxury jet and have instantaneous access to computer networks and laboratory results. Not to mention that on the X-Files Mulder and Scully were working alone without a lot of support while the Criminal Minds super team has apparently eight full-time members who fly into action on every case.

Secondly, the plots are written with so many holes and leaps of logic that it’s a wonder that even a small child can suspend reality enough to watch this garbage. The X-Files, even when dealing with the supernatural, at least had a logical plot structure. Criminal Minds doesn’t even have this excuse as (apparently) all the criminals are ordinary human beings on planet Earth.

Just a couple examples:

  • The FBI Super Team figures out the bad guys are Romanians because a kidnapped child remembers her abductors say the word puiule (mispronounced hideously as “poo-oh-lay”). One of the Super Team says “I used to hear that term when my mother worked overseas”. Yeah, sure you did.
  • The Super Team instantly matches a hair from a blanket to a girl from a record in some database. The only problem is that the girl was kidnapped in 1972 (and been missing ever since) and there wouldn’t be any DNA records of her because forensic DNA only started being done in the late 80s/early 90s.
  • The kidnappers abduct the child in a real town in Alabama that’s 10 miles from the Tennessee state line but the FBI Super Team never once suspects the bad guys might’ve left the state.
  • The entire episode takes place in Alabama but literally only one local person speaks with a southern accent.

Just like in the aforementioned X-files episode, nobody who speaks Romanian (three American women) can pronounce it. Secondly, not one bit of the plot even makes sense, even for gypsies. Supposedly it goes like this:

  • Gypsies kidnap young girls (~age 10) to get “new blood” for their families since gypsy culture is so insular. In other words, it’s okay to kidnap non-gypsy kids for wives but it’s not okay to marry non-gypsy adult women later on? LOL
  • Gypsies who spend the entire episode speaking English to each other supposedly speak Romanian (off camera) in their spare time, which is how the Super Team figures out they’re gypsies.
  • Literally because they speak Romanian they must be gypsies, according to the Super Team. That and because they’re “superstitious”.
  • The gypsies have a Celtic cross in their RV and zero Catholic or Romanian Orthodox iconography anywhere.
  • Despite the fact that real gypsies in Romania speak their own gypsy language, these gypsies speak in Romanian to each other in America. Why bother?
  • The only gypsies who speak Romanian are the non-gypsy Americans who were kidnapped as children. WTF?
  • The gypsies make all their money by stealing clothes with homemade Faraday cages and then selling these clothes to a pawnshop (double WTF?)

All in all, absolutely nothing makes sense in this entire show, from the bearded FBI agent to the Celtic “gypsies” speaking Romanian to the bizarre plotline about keeping their DNA “fresh” by kidnapping children to the fact that gypsies pawn clothes to make money. It’s a racist piece of garbage plotline used to advance the story of an incredibly stupid show, which somehow must be “working” for CBS as I see there are 7 seasons and counting of this crap.

Just for “funsies”, here is a particularly racist bit against Romanians from the episode for your viewing pleasure:

Just listen to the spooky music kick in when the black guy says “They’re Eastern European”.

See? Even when people think they don’t know about Romania, it’s episodes like these that enter into their subconscious. And this is how Romania is portrayed in the entire world, as we all know these shitty American shows get dubbed and subtitled and shown all over the planet. Hey, you can even watch this in Romania on the AXN channel! So nice :)