Yes children, cover your eyes!

Quite simply put, in your travels through Romania, you’re likely to meet some very attractive white people. I mention this because while many nations have absolutely gorgeous people of color (hello Pakistan!), a nation of good looking white people is becoming something of a rarity these days.

So you, the horny traveler or business person is likely to see someone you find very attractive that you want to match your fleshy parts with their fleshy parts.

As many writers have noted, the dress code is very liberal in Romania and you’re likely to see a lot of skin on display, further causing your hormones to surge. You want to hook up with the object of your desire but sadly, your efforts come to naught, leaving you very frustrated.

It’s not just hyper-caffeinated doofuses like Leif Pettersen who have come to this sad conclusion. I first became aware of how widespread this phenomenon was when one of the so-called leaders of the “sex gurus”, Neil Strauss, wrote a book called The Game, detailing his exploits with fellow “guru” Mystery.

In this book, the author goes into great detail about all the attractive women they met in Eastern Europe and “picked up” and had sex with. Yet inexplicably, they travel all throughout Romania and don’t get laid once.

So if the masters are getting sexually frustrated, it’s likely you are too unless you read the following. In fact, I really should be charging you $20 apiece to read this but frankly that’s not my kind of work (although it’s a good business for Thailand apparently).

Before I go any further, a couple of things to get straight. While this is a useful and straightforward guide to getting laid, it isn’t a manual to prey on anyone, nor is it intended to be lecherous in any way. What goes on between consenting adults, regardless of nationality, is the only thing of concern in this post.

Gay Man

Quite frankly, your only options are in Bucharest. At the moment there are at least two clubs open catering to gay clientele (male or female) but you’re better off asking Senor Google than me as to where they are. Even “straight” clubs in Romania close and open quite frequently so all nightlife information is temporary at best.

Outside of Bucharest any kind of sexual contact is going to be extremely problematic and is often given hostile opposition if discovered. Conversely most people barely believe homosexuality exists so all secondary “indicators” such as prissy behavior, mild cross-dressing, hand holding etc will literally never be identified as homosexual.

Lesbian Woman

Again, Bucharest is going to be your best bet by far. Other than that, there’s a much more lenient attitude towards lesbian behavior (touching, kissing, etc), especially if you’re young and/or appear more “traditionally female”.

On the other hand looking “butch” is going to be problematic anywhere outside the capital and get you a lot of stares unless you’re over 50 years old, in which case almost every Romanian woman on the street looks fairly “butch” herself.

Child Molester

What used to be quite a bad problem has now been vastly improved with Romania’s accession to the European Union. Paying a street urchin one pound sterling to blow you behind a dumpster is going to get you serious jail time these days.

Heterosexual Woman

If you’re reasonably good looking, getting laid should be a cinch. You’ll be hit on constantly in any part of the country.

If you’re not reasonably good looking, or especially if you’re anywhere close to overweight, things are going to be a lot tougher. Your best bet is to stick with your “own kind”, i.e. your fellow Filthy Backpacker.

During the long and lonely journey, those guys from Belgium bunking in with you at the hostel get mighty horny as well. Buy a good bottle of the local wine and you can save yourself the price of going out on the town for one night.

Heterosexual Guy

Ah now we’re getting down into the meat and potatoes of the thing because everybody’s getting laid but us. I say “us” in the figurative sense because while right now I am quite satisfied with The Woman’s lavish attentions, at one time I too stood among the ranks of the frustrated foreigner.

Right up front I’m going to say the word escort and be frank about it. Any large city in Romania has free entertainment guides (ex: 24-Fun, Sapte Seri, etc) in all bars and most restaurants. At the back of that guide is going to be some adult ads.

Since I’m not promoting any of these businesses, there won’t be any links. But either through the ads or some online searching of great searchiness, you should find whatever it is that appeals to your taste if that’s your sort of thing. Romanians and Europeans in general have a much less Puritanical stance on these sort of things so it is what it is – deal with it if that upsets you.

Although this has never been my cup of tea, so to speak, throughout my long residence here I can tell you second-hand that the “customers” I’ve spoken to were all fairly satisfied with the service they received, to put it delicately.

Frankly though, this costs money and also may not be the route some foreign guys want to take. What else is there to do?

First and most importantly, go to Bucharest. It is by far Romania’s largest city and the most cosmopolitan, open-minded and “forward” thinking place. It also has a lot of very attractive residents, among them a subset of Romanian girls that you can’t find anywhere else.

Bucharest is the one place Romanians relocate to in any quantity. Everywhere else in the country, the vast majority of the residents are either life-long locals or from somewhere relatively close by.

Bucharest on the other hand is absolutely full of people who moved there from all kinds of smaller locales. This is fundamentally critical because it makes Bucharest the only place where people are used to (and often quite welcoming to) foreigners or newcomers.

Being the most cosmopolitan means, amongst other things, that you’re going to meet both a lot of ambitious people as well as people who speak English. It takes some serious guts to move from a small, peaceful village to the car honking maelstrom of Bucharest. Therefore that hot girl you’re flirting with has already demonstrated a very high level of boldness.

For these reasons (and many others) Bucharest is going to be absolutely your best bet all around.

But what else? And what about if you’re elsewhere in this land besides the capital?

From a Romanian song:

N-ai tupeu? Stai acasa!

Roughly translated, this means “If you have no balls, stay home”. Here’s the magic formula you need to remember:

She’s Shy So You Be Bold

Really that will work wonders in this regard. A lot of “westerners” are used to a much higher level of boldness from women and as a consequence, have become less bold themselves.

Note: This is why most, not all (LOL), Western Guys Married to a Romanian are married to a very bold woman indeed :P

Conversely, a lot of western guys have become unaccustomed to a high level of shyness when it comes to women and fail to respect it when interacting with Romanians.

Here’s a common mistake to analyze in this regard:

Mistake #1: You give her your phone number.

Why is this a mistake? Because she’s shy and it would be considered extremely forward to call you first. Get her phone number and then call her. Then if she likes you, she’ll save your number and might call you one day! :P

BTW, I am fully licensed to laugh like a loon because believe me, I’ve made every mistake in the book ;)

Therefore, be bold and go for it. If the chick at the cash register is hot and you like her, don’t come back to visit her and flirt 50 times. Ask her out right on the spot, or at least get her phone number (or online info, etc).

Having some balls really is necessary because in most cases you’re actually putting a tremendous stress on the girl in question. In the first place, you’re either speaking English, forcing her to respond back to you in what is, to her, a stressful language to speak or else for the simple fact that you are demonstrably foreign means entering into what is uncharted territory for her.

Almost all Romanians, male or female, have crushing inferiority complexes and therefore find it generally quite stressful to have to “live up to” what a foreigner expects. Therefore dating one requires a certain level of ambition and boldness that if she had, she’d likely be gone to Bucharest by now.

Furthermore, Romanian guys are some pretty bold bastards themselves. Old Timmy the Timid Wallflower isn’t going to get much attention, if you dig what I’m saying.

What’s next? Oh yeah.

Get Some Male Friends

In this regard, it’s perfectly fine to “cruise” with other foreigners but whomever, get some male buddies to go out with you. For one thing, you’re likely to be bolder when out with your male friends.

Secondly, your male friends are likely to know people (yes, including hot chicks), leading up to the next most critical thing:

The More People You Know, The Better

Period. Outside of Bucharest, everyone knows everybody and it’s quite an odd thing meeting someone who doesn’t fit into that social network (you!). You can play that “Kevin Bacon in 6 links” game quite easily in any Romanian town (besides Bucharest) and probably fewer than six with most people you meet.

Therefore, get to know people!

Assuming you have few other options, or perhaps in addition to the other ways you have of meeting people (work, host family, etc), a good route to take is to pick a bar/club and stick with it.

That is to say, find your nightlife establishment of choice and go there regularly, perhaps several times a week, until you begin to know the staff and recognize repeat customers. This is a great way to make male friends amongst the other regular patrons.

It also means you need to be something of a drinker unless you can hang out in a place sober while the majority of the people around you are drinking and listening to loud music.

Next up is: Learn Some Romanian

This is absolutely the most helpful thing to do, even if it’s just a little. Even if she mostly speaks English to you, if she feels confident you could understand her in Romanian, that’s going to go a long way into reducing the stress of dating a foreigner.

Furthermore, a great deal of attractive women speak little or no English at all and so therefore you’re missing out on many delightful opportunities from the get-go. Seriously, Romanian chicks are hot so get your nose in a dictionary, fool!

Also of critical importance: Dress And Smell Nice

It pains me to write this but nonetheless I shall:

• Wear clean, unwrinkled clothes that fit and are not baggy, saggy, full of holes (yes, this means your jeans!) or food stained.
• If you can wear something that is fashionable and makes you look more attractive, all the better.
• Be clean as in shit, showered and shaved.
• Wear a good-smelling parfum. If you don’t know what one is, go to the nicest parfum store in town and ask the female clerk to choose one for you.

And last but definitely not least:

Be Respectful

There’s a way to be bold and respectful. Being bold but not respectful will simply make you a lecher and then you’ll have to go back to your two-star pensiune and write angry blog posts before jerking off in your lumpy bed.

Again, it pains me deeply to write this but here we go:

Don’t do things that make people stare at you in public!

Whatever those things are, from your “musical armpit” to drunken yodeling to other embarrassing, attention-getting behavior, don’t do them.

Furthermore, the tact you want to take is the “dashingly bold gentleman” rather than the “arrogant foreign jerk”. Being considered rude is going to get you absolutely nowhere but being sassy yet respectful will get you everywhere.

And as a very important addendum, if you want any kind of relationship of substance at all, be honest. Whatever that entails, whether your quirks, desires or monetary status, be honest.

That last one there is the key to the golden door, fellas. Being truthful is in itself a kind of boldness and women here in Romania find it verrah attractive.

Well there you go, and I wish you good luck in making the beast with two (or more!) backs in this fine country of mine. In addition, I wish you hundreds of fat children :D

A few practical notes!

• Condoms are sold in every pharmacy, hypermarket, large grocery store and gas/petrol station. Use ’em!
• In case of accidents, the morning after pill is available at all Romanian pharmacies without a prescription or doctor’s note (or anything else, like identification) for about 6 USD or 4 Euros.
• Completely legal and in every city are “sex shops” (always identified like that, in English) which sell just about anything you might need in terms of lubrication, toys and accessories. That being said, if you want something ornate, bring it from home.

Alas, sadly if you’re a “person of color”, getting laid is going to be extremely difficult regardless of your gender or orientation. I’ve even seen some pretty good looking (straight) black guys go a-begging because a different skin color on top of everything else is quite a hurdle to overcome.

DRUM BUN!