Word Count: 1029

A few years ago, someone asked me if I had ever thought of pursuing a career in journalism. I replied, “No thanks, I actually respect myself.” As Stephen Colbert said way back in 2006, most journalists are just whores with a notepad.

Here’s a case in point, brought to you by VICE, the stupidest “news” outlet on the planet (and it’s not just me who thinks that). Yesterday the Unsleeping Eye brought me this VICE turd of an article entitled Moldova Arrests 13 Accused of Plotting to Establish Russian Separatist Republic.

Woah! That sounds pretty serious. Let’s see what the good hitting police of Moldova have been up to:

A plot to attack Moldova’s capital and establish a Russian separatist republic similar to the ones in Eastern Ukraine was reportedly foiled on Thursday when Moldovan police detained 13 suspected members of a paramilitary group.

Hey now, I live in Moldova’s capital! My goodness. Should I apologize for my sarcasm and now be grateful that the cops here prevented a “Russian separatist republic” in city that’s full of Romanian-speakers, where the mayor is the best friend of Traian Basescu, the former president of Romania? Seems unlikely, eh?

But the VICE article, just re-typed and inflated by Tess Owens, is a rehash of this AP wire story:

Moldova: 13 Detained on Suspicion of Plot to Attack Cities

Moldovan police have detained a total of 13 suspected members of a paramilitary group allegedly planning to attack the capital and a northern city with a majority Russian population, with the aim of creating a new separatist republic similar to the one in eastern Ukraine.

Mind you, this is the same organization that employs Alison Mutler in Romania. But hey, the Washington Post picked up the AP story, attributing it to Corneliu Rusnac. With a name like that, he’s got to speak Romanian, right? Oh, I’m sure he does. But it turns out the original police statement (in Romanian) isn’t quite so exciting as the AP and VICE versions.

In case your Romanian is a little rusty, it says the Balti SWAT team kicked in 22 doors, and the Chisinau police kicked in 3 doors, all to find these 13 jokers. Six of them have convictions in RM for serious offenses (including armed robbery and human trafficking). And three of them have double citizenship in Russia and/or Ukraine (as well as Moldova).

Let’s just skip over the uncomfortable question as to why six guys convicted of serious offenses were out free and focus on what these guys actually wanted to do. Establish a pro-Russian separatist republic?

My translation:

The criminal group’s plan was to raise a host of 300 people. After doing so, they were going to attack a military post in Balti to get weapons. Then they were going to attack the Balti Penitentiary to free 400 prisoners. They also planned to rob businessmen and take over factories in the north of the country. Then they were going to do the same thing in Chisinau and Gagauzia.

Uh, not much of a plan, eh? Somehow get together 300 other guys, and then spring their buddies from the pokey and then go rob some people and then take over a few factories, and then go do the same in other areas of the country. But hey, these guys are described as “paramilitaries”, so maybe they could pull it off?

My translation:

Following the raids, the police seized: grenades, bullets, pistols, fighting knives, drugs, military uniforms, ski masks, “processors”, brochures with text of a violent nature, topographic maps of the counties in Moldova, a topographic map of the city of Chisinau, mobile phones, and cash.

Woah, well grenades, pistols, and military uniforms sounds pretty bad. Not sure why they need a topographic map of Chisinau though (uh, Google Maps anyone?). I’ve lived here for a year and there are barely any mountains or hills or anything. What the hell good is a topographic map in Chisinau? Oh well. But that list of seized items sounds serious. Let’s look at the official police photo:

Uh, looks like a single pistol, a single pistol holster, a street map of Chisinau, two boxes of bullets, some CDs, and a single grenade. Jeez, not too menacing. Minus the gun, bullets and grenade, I have all those same things in my house too. Doesn’t mean I’m trying to start a revolution. It also kinda seems like a bad idea to be raising armies and leading revolts and all that kind of stuff while you’re high on drugs. But maybe that’s just me.

And, although the grenade is the scariest part, let’s not forget that there is a ton of old Soviet military equipment lying around this area of the world. And just because you have the shell of a grenade doesn’t mean it’s a functional grenade.

Not pictured: military uniforms, cash, or brochures

So let’s review – a bunch of idiots, including six convicted felons, had an ambitious plan (maybe) to do some stupid shit. But they had just a single gun, and no real money, and their objectives were so vague and weird that they make no sense. And they’re using free tourist maps of Chisinau to plan their overthrow of the regime (oops, I meant democratically elected government).

Nowhere in there does it say “establish a pro-Russia republic”. So that seems to be made up, or vastly inflated by Gheorghe Cavaliuc, the ACTING police chief, the same man who has a personal beef with Russia.

And here’s the kicker (my translation):

After the raids, eight (of the 13) men plead guilty to the charges, and gave a statement to that effect in the presence of their attorneys.

Criminal masterminds! Thank goodness the brave cops of Balti and Chisinau saved us from a revolution that literally nobody wanted and will never happen, but the announcement of which got in all the big Western media outlets to make it seem like Russia is sponsoring sneaky shit. Don’t misunderstand me, Russia is doing plenty of sneaky stuff, but they are just a tad more competent when they’re actually involved.

AND NOW YOU KNOW!